Musicians' Joke Book

A side-splitting selection of one-liners, comic definitions, yarns and witty quotes from the world of music.

Most professions have their own jokes, but musicians seem to have more than their fair share. Perhaps it's the insane travel schedule, the bad lodgings or just lack of sleep. But as Jim Green says in his introduction, "...it's not surprising we're a band apart (so to speak), outcasts who seek only our own company, rubbing two jokes together for warmth and trying to feel superior by sneering at one another's abilities and personalities." So maybe the reason musicians love poking fun at one another is nothing more than getting in first before everyone else does. Or perhaps choosing laughter is the only alternative to despair... Anyway, here is a truly great selection of jokes, quotes and stories from the world's second oldest profession. Enjoy!

Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?

A: When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.

Q: What do you throw a drowning lead guitarist?

A: His amp.

Q: Why was the clarinetist staring at the orange juice bottle?

A: Because the label said "concentrate."

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."

Elvis Presley