Still Full: When God Breaks Your Heart

The death of a loved one evokes a myriad of emotions in us. Some of those emotions are hurt, anger, disappointment, and confusion. The bible tells us, In everything to give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you (1 Thessalonians 5:18). But how do we give thanks to God when our hearts are shattered, and we are overcome with grief that seems to be unbearable? This book is about Vincent Gerard Paige Sr., the love of my life, and the perfect marriage God quickly gave us. Then what seemed to be just as quick, He took him. God strengthened me to thank Him through the tears and brokenness. While I was giving God my broken heart, He was mending it and has filled the broken places with Himself.

This book is about the twist and turns of our lives together and the sustaining love of God that was always with us even when we didn't recognize it. That love pursued us, captured us, captivated us, and then raptured us so that we could receive what He had prepared for us. There was nothing honorable about the events that started our relationship. I would even call them shameful on my part, but it is what it is. That's what makes it all the more amazing what God did in us and for us. Even in my foolishness, God's love led me to the love of my life, brought us together in marriage, transformed us in His refining fire of marital discontent, and gave us marital bliss.

Then my husband received the diagnosis of an aggressive malignant cancer and God's love held us together. He had given us firsthand experience of His healing power when He healed our daughter who was at the brink of death, so we knew that cancer was nothing for Him to heal. During the radiation and chemo, God's love strengthened us to go through the treatments thanking Him and giving Him all the praise because no matter what, He was still worthy to be praised. After several months of no detection of the cancer, it returned. My husband agreed to have his arm amputated hoping that would be the end of the cancer. Knowing my spirit was in turmoil because of his decision, I got a sign from God that gave me peace and the fortitude to go full steam ahead. Still, after my husband's arm amputation, the cancer came back again and metastasized to other parts of his body. There was nothing more the doctors could do for him and hospice was called.

God's love welcomed my breaking heart in His presence and strengthened me to watch the love of my life die from a sickness that I know He could've healed but He didn't. Instead, God allowed cancer to be the death of the phenomenal man that He favored me with, knowing that my heart would be shattered because of what He had given us. Just as much, God also knew that His love was more than enough to sustain me and mend my broken heart even in those times I did not feel like it was. This is our journey.